Tag Archives: failure

Broken

I had a meltdown the other day, and I haven’t been able to pick myself up from it.  It all started because I’m on a diet and lost weight.  Which should be a good thing right, but when I saw that the numbers on the scale, I immediately thought ‘but imagine what it would read if you had worked harder at the gym’ and ‘you had a wine on Wednesday, that was cheating’.  It quickly descending into chasm of self hatred littered with ‘you Don’t deserve this’.  

I told a friend about it who didn’t get why I wouldn’t be happy.  That just made me feel worse.  Does thwt mean I’m incapable of happiness?  Should I just give up on life now if I’m never going to be happy?  I managed to function enough to get to the gym, where I promptly launched into a full scale sobbing mess in the car park.

How broken must I be, if I don’t know how to be happy?  If I don’t know what success or pride feels like?   I attempted to try and find a memory of success, something I could try and replicate, which was terrible, because I couldn’t find one, so I just confirmed that I’m failing at life.  

Since then, I’ve basically been a miserable mess.  I’m grumpy and angry at work.  I spend my commute crying in the car.  I go to the gym and feel like a failure because I’m not working hard enough, I come home and eat, and feel like a failure at that because all I want is chocolate, and I don’t want to eat any more vegetables.  Then there is the weighing.

I weigh myself approximately every half an hour.   Today the scales have been rising, but I’ve stuck to my plan.  Does that mean I’m failing?  It thwt wine from a week ago catching up with me?  I definitely need to work harder at the gym.  And eat more vegetables.  What happens if it continues to rise?  I may as well just eat chocolate and then at least I’ll die of a satisfied heart attack.

So here I am.  Broken.  Failing.  Despairing.  And the worst bit of that….? I’m telling the internet because there’s no one else who cares.  

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