I’m back to writing. Because it is 7pm on a Friday, and I have no plans. But this isn’t a wallowy post about lacking a social life. It’s Friday night, I’ve just worked a 50 hour week and I have to get up early, a night in sounds magical.
Instead, this is a wallowy post about dating.
So here the thing, I haven’t really dated in about 4 years. It terrifies me. Like the thought of going out and spending one on one time with a boy makes me want to cry. Why? I’m perfectly competent at conversing. I could go out to dinner with my male friends, chat, laugh, share a wine and have a lovely evening. But put any sort of romantic slant on it, and suddenly it’s becomes an insurmountable mountain.
I’ve established, I think, that it’s the intimacy bit that scares me. I’m so busy thinking about all the reasons they wouldn’t want to be with me, and I’m pretty practiced at appearing socially competent that I can talk my way out of most things. But when it comes to anything else, I can’t talk my way out of, and in an event to avoid history repeating itself, I just avoid it all together.
But, I don’t want to. I just don’t know what to do about it.
Recently, I attempted to meet a boy. I found a couple online. It was all fun and entertaining chatting through the interweb. But then, they wanted to meet. In person. With me. Uh oh.
Most normal people might have butterfly excitement and justify it with rational thoughts. He talked to me, and continued to talk to me. He’s seen pictures of me, and continued to talk to me. He likes talking to me, and the look of me enough, he wants to meet.
I however, am not normal. My irrational thoughts go something like this. Why is he talking to me? He must have no one else to talk to, he’ll stop when there’s someone else. And I’m more entertaining online, more opportunities to press the delete button and time to think of something witty. And My pictures of me don’t look like me in person. He’ll be disappointed and it will show on his face, and he’ll be uncomfortable, and I’ll feel bad that he doesn’t want to be there, and then he’ll make up an excuse to leave, so I may as well not go.
So within about four seconds of finding out they want to me, I’ve decided that I should probably never leave the house again, just in case someone is uncomfortable about having to talk or look at me.
But, I attempted to follow this through. I actually arranged the date. Time, date, location. For one week and two weeks away respectively.
T-7 days. I pretty much decide I can’t do this. I’ve spent 12 hours considering all the possible reasons they won’t like me, which lead me to all the reasons I don’t like me, and no one in the world should like me.
T-6 days. Why dd they invite me out? Maybe it’s a joke and it’s just for shits and giggles. I definitely shouldn’t go tips they’re going to make fun of me.
T-5-2 days. I’m a wreck. Can’t talk to people. Flash backs to all the horrible moments in my life. Memories of all the times people have affirmed my failings at life. Log off dating site in panic.
Date the following week follows the same pattern, just slightly sped up.
So I’ve spent the last two weeks in turmoil because I attempted to date. So what have I learnt from this? Don’t try to date, it’s bad for my mental health.